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All that's unknown

10/2/2016

17 Comments

 
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.  -- Rainer Maria Rilke
We hadn't been married more than a few years when Tal made an observation that unsettled me with its truth. "As long as we happen to know each other in this life, we'll never really know each other." Initially, I felt a little terrible, as though he were saying I'd not been paying very good attention (which, most likely, I'd not been). Over the years we returned to that idea again and again. I came to appreciate it, even embrace it.

We did know one another pretty well before we were parted by death. We had made telling our stories and conveying our thoughts a priority over the years of our marriage. But, those "infinite distances" continued to exist, and maybe even to grow, as Tal's illness progressed.

Truth be known, we were each of us locked in our own worlds. I was increasingly tired and scared. Tal was more and more quiet, part of that being a feature of the disease, but only part. He couldn't know the depth of my anticipatory grief. I could not possibly know the landscape of his inner world as ALS stole away, one by one, his physical abilities. He did not talk about what it felt like to be preparing for death.

​There was so much we simply couldn't know of the inner workings of each other's hearts. But, we were together nearly 24-hours a day. His care was my task and my joy. He never failed to say thank you. Side-by-side we faced the days and the nights, the questions and the answers we didn't want to acknowledge. Side-by-said we lived our long goodbye.

​In the end, though, we did what we had to do. Each of us. Alone.

​I shall always love Tal LeGrand, even -- maybe especially -- all that remains unknown.   
Picture
My dear Tal, whole against the sky. Rest in peace.
17 Comments
Linda Heis
10/2/2016 09:53:07 am

Such beautiful words.

Reply
Deborah
10/2/2016 09:58:08 am

There is a book in you.

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Linda Kelly
10/2/2016 10:38:35 am

I forgive you for making me cry. I'm thankful for your willingness to share your gift of words with us..

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Lauri
10/2/2016 10:42:05 am

Precious Janet, this is a beautiful tribute to a beautiful love. You and Tal have been on my mind for many months, and I continue to pray for you.

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Lyn Simensen
10/2/2016 10:53:24 am

Janet - it has always been such a privilege and a joy to be with you & Tal on your life journey. This next part is a very hard part but I know your faith and love will carry you through it. Thinking about you and keeping you and Tal in my heart and prayers every day...

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Susan Naylor
10/2/2016 11:01:14 am

Janet, you have an amazing way of putting words together. I agree that there is a book (or two) in you. I love what you have written here. I cannot begin to understand what you had to go thru day in and day out as you cared for Tal. You are an amazing lady, so strong, elegant, and graceful, yet so frail. Tal's obituary said so much, but it was not so much the words but the way they were arranged. I know you understand what I mean. I barely remember Tal & Charlotte, but I will always remember Tal & Janet. I love you dear, and look forward to reading more of your precious words.

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Karen LeGrande
10/2/2016 11:30:06 am

Thank you for sharing your heart. You will never know how deeply and wonderfully your words affect others! May God richly bless you as you bless us!

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Katherine Bradley Johnson
10/2/2016 11:33:05 am

My late husband maintained as a theologian that human beings can't know each other completely in this life. God knows us completely, but we are unable to get past the individuality that's part of our creatureliness. That doesn't mean we can't love each other deeply. My footnote to this: we can't even know ourselves completely as God knows us. Thanks for sharing this part of your journey, Janet. Each of us travels a different path, but yours is intesecting with mine just a few years later on. Sending love!

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Dustin Sease
10/2/2016 11:36:28 am

Oh how I loved the compassion you two had for each other... Your willingness to give all you had to make him comfortable was inevitable... You are continually in my thoughts and prayers... Like I told you the last time I saw you, I am hear if you need ANYTHING... Praying that God gives you peace and understanding during this time... Love you my friend!

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Peter Hawes
10/2/2016 01:59:14 pm

Profound, grace filled, elegant. Thank you, dear lady.

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Beth Pearson
10/2/2016 02:13:16 pm

I love your blog and have missed your thoughts. Each time I read it I come away with a thought or two about my own life. Thanks you so much for sharing. We love you and are praying for peace for you during this very difficult time.

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Mary Lou Seymour
10/2/2016 02:29:54 pm

Very lovely and moving. Thank you for sharing.

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Linda Wanless
10/2/2016 04:19:30 pm

You express yourself so beautifully Janet. For those of us who have walked this road of loss, your words express what we have felt, but didn't know how to convey - even to ourselves.

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Ginny Woodruff
10/3/2016 02:57:34 am

Dearest Janet, Thank you for the gifts you have so freely shared with each of us from the time you and Tal entered our lives. God has blessed you with many gifts, that in your sharing, have blessed us. This blog is yet another gift we will cherish. I pray you can feel the love each of us is sending you. Hugs, dear one!

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Nancy C. Wylie
10/3/2016 08:16:59 am

The gift of healing is not one that those not in a medical profession think of embracing. It slips up into our lives almost unseen as we one day realize that ointment, a back rub, or keeping track of what's needed day-to-day is a gift given to us in the care of a loved one. And it usually comes in later life as we more fully cherish the moments of touch, companionship, and love. May the souls of the faithfully departed Rest In Peace. May you have the peace of knowing the gift of healing touched his very soul. Blessings, dear Janet.

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skate lohmann
10/3/2016 09:17:02 am

hello dear Heart, your words, written and spoken have always had a deep effect on me. sharing these intimate thoughts in your blog are a gift, and a gift that will continue to make me ponder. when i was in the presence of both of you, your love was palpable....beautiful. that will continue, just in a different way. you and tal continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.....with gentle hugs, oxo

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Kathleen Kenney
10/6/2016 06:29:21 pm

Having accompanied our son in law on this same journey, I can understand your journey a tiny bit. Thank you for sharing such personal reflections. I hope you will continue to do this. We are holding you in the light as you grieve this terrible loss.

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