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Sustaining

7/10/2017

4 Comments

 
It's difficult for me to grasp that the 10-month anniversary of Tal's death is under a week away. While I am getting through each day, most of the time with energy and gratitude, there are times of terrible sorrow that simply wring the life out of me.

I awoke one day recently after a night of amorphous dreams with the word "sustain" on my mind. It was a strong enough recollection through the morning that I looked the word up. To strengthen or support physically or mentally. I could count that vague memory as happenstance, and maybe it is. It could just as easily, however, be a hint as to a quality I can nurture as I continue on.

​People who support worthy causes are put in a sustainer ​category. Notes are sustained in music. Oh, or there's the clear, long tone of a tuning fork. Food, clothing, shelter are considered essential for sustaining life. Sustain is a hopeful word.

​Sad as I am, I am sustained, and I know it. Through photographs of trips Tal and I made, which I am fashioning into albums. Through encounters with family and friends. Through unexpected delights of memory.

​Later this week my mother and I are driving to Virginia for a baby shower. My nephew and his wife are expecting their first child. As I began giving attention to travel plans, to what to take with me, to how to get two giant boxes wrapped and transported, I experienced just such an unexpected delight.

​These two photographs were made in the spring of 1991. (The processor's stamp on the back of each reads APR 91​.) They are of my then new husband, Tal, and our equally new nephew, Andrew. 
​
Picture
Picture
It's that cute baby who's about to become a father. And, that lovely man is the one whose death I grieve. Remembering that spring day 26 years ago -- not to mention the relief of being able to locate the photographs when I wanted and needed to see them -- is something that sustains me today, holding me steady, providing support. They are a clear note sounding through this day.
4 Comments
Dianne Glass
7/11/2017 07:49:56 am

Beautiful memories sustain us always and I think perhaps they are the gentle breezes of angel wings about us, to embrace our hearts with hope and love.

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Susan Flanagan
7/11/2017 12:38:59 pm

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Lyn Simensen
7/11/2017 01:54:41 pm

I love reading your reflections! It is hard to believe it has been 20 months but you are taking a journey that may take a while but along the way you are finding moments of joy & that will sustain you as you move forward each day. Blessed to call you friend!

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Linda Gosnell
7/11/2017 06:28:55 pm

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    For most of my 60 years I have let the question "what is this all about?" dwell somewhere in my being -- in the forefront at times, frequently banished to the depths. It's persistent, that question.

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